Balance

I am very blessed to be a mom. I am also very blessed to live in a home. Lately, those two things have been so overwhelming that I feel like doing a good job at both is impossible and I end up failing in both. Or just doing a halfway job.

I feel constant pressure to be the best mom I can possibly be. Well, no duh, why would I strive for anything less? But really, what defines a good mom? Lately, this is what I feel defines it: someone who completely schedules her life around her children, plays with them 24-7, doesn't do anything for herself, never says no unless it is sweets or television, doesn't let her kids watch television or eat hot dogs because those are just OH-SO bad for them. The best mom takes her kids to the park everyday, dresses them in the best clothes and their hair is always neatly done. She practices numbers, letters, coloring with her preschoolers and practices pointing at everything in the sky and on the road with her infants. She has zero outside projects because heaven forbid we put anything in place of our kids care. Oh yeah and she blogs and facebooks all day because of COURSE she has time for that. We have to journal for posterity, right? That is all I hear and feel lately about what defines a good mom.

If this is the type of mom I have to be, a PERFECT mom, then my family would never eat dinner because my son cries from 5-6 pm to be held and my daugher is restless at that time. My house would still look like it is stuck in the 60's because all home updating projects would never happen because I just couldn't put another project in front of my kids care. I would probably be fat because heaven forbid I take 60 minutes a day to exercise and strive to keep myself healthy. My house would look like a disaster because taking time to clean it up just doesn't fit in the schedule. Thus we walk on our floors with our feet sticking to the peanut butter and watermelon mess and the smell coming from both bathrooms is the smell of diapers and trash buildup. We would wear dirty smelly clothes because the laundry doesn't do itself. And my husband, my poor husband. Doesn't a perfect marriage just come along with that perfect mom figure? Well, if I had to be a perfect mom, then I would have no time for my husband.

Well, guess what? I hate all this. I recently remarked to a friend whom I just met my feelings on all this and she said,"if I just put down all I have to do and be there for my kids everytime they need me, then they get bored of me after a few minutes and I am free to do the other things." My kids are not like that. Example: when Nolan finally takes an afternoon nap, I have almost exactly 2 hours without him. You can imagine all the things I would love to get done. I always take 20-30 minutes to play with just Reagan. But you know what? She doesn't want me to leave. Flattering and annoying at the same time. I gently tell her, "you know what? Mom has to go clean the kitchen or get stuff ready for dinner, or switch the wash, or work in the yard, etc." But she just doesn't understand it. She pleads, "PLAY with me, mom." Well, what would perfect mom do? But of course, she would plop her skinny bottom right down there and do another hundredth game on Candyland until her kids beg her to leave. But me? I don't think I should feel guilty at all by saying , your on your own for the next little while girlie. Yet I still feel guilty about it.

The same friend also said she usually never has time in her day to do anything but care for her kids. She drives them here and there, feeds them 3 meals and 2 snacks, cleans up after said meals and snacks, holds them, reads to them. When they are all tucked into bed, she delves into all her own items of business. She claims she stays up too late and runs on barely any sleep. To that I say, I can't live that way. My relationship with my kids is important, but so is my relationship with Matt. That is the only time in our day for us to just enjoy being together. I miss just sitting on the couch talking to him or laughing over the same shows. Sure we have our own committments thoughout the week that require us to be away for the night, but every night? It's not healthy. I recently recommitted myself to getting to bed earlier. I have been doing it for a week now and MAN, I feel so good. I need that sleep. I have to be in bed by 10pm. My kids go to sleep at 8pm. Two hours goes by fast.

There really is no point to this post other than me to rant over this. I am just sick of feeling guilty. I think I am a good mom. My kids are so dang happy. I do yell, but mostly I am pretty patient. I take them to the park when I can. I play Candyland and T-Ball and fill up their kiddy pool several times a week. We swim on hot days. But you know....the cumulative hour or two that I spend for myself--sometimes 10 minutes here, 20 there--each day, I really hate that I feel guilty over that. I think I should be okay to take some time each day to work on house projects, clean up messes, blog occasionally, and whatever else I feel like doing because I still like to be ME! And I don't want to hear or feel about how I am putting other things before my kids or that I am a project-oriented person. Give me a break.

That is all. I am off to get a now awake Nolan from his crib. I just spent 20 minutes writing this post with Reagan shining a flashlight in my eyes. If that isn't love, then what is?? ;)